Practice is the use of communication skills and the
application of theoretical frameworks and research methods in specific contexts.
Through a course on Conflict and Communication I was to develop a lesson,
workshop, or activity where I was to teach a target audience how to manage
conflict. The lesson that I chose was most useful to deliver to my target
audience was how to handle conflict in romantic relationships. Not only did I
discuss the content I was teaching, but also incorporated activities that
allowed attendees to reflect on their own romantic relationships. This course
was significant to my success because I am able to successfully apply
theoretical concepts to practices in real life settings. Dialogic communication
is a distinct and valuable form of communication. Through this course I have
the knowledge, skill and abilities to design and facilitate workshops that deal
directly with human differences. Below is the content which I incorporated into
my workshop.
The Journey to Change
Conflict is present everywhere in our lives. Whether it is between yourself and
your significant other, yourself and your boss, or yourself and your parents,
there are always going to be times where your wants, needs, and/or opinions are
not going to match that of another person. It is a natural interaction in a
relationship that we should be embracing and learning how to work through. For
my workshop I chose the topic of conflict management in romantic relationships.
I found this as an area of improvement for the younger generation, ranging from
early to mid-twenties, because conflict management is something that we are not
specifically taught like other subjects in school. In this paper I begin by
expanding more on the target audience that I chose. I will introduce conflict
in interpersonal relationships focusing on what it is and why it is important.
I will then layout the five confrontation steps in the course text which I
found most important to handling and confronting conflicts in relationships,
explaining each step in depth. I will then reflect on how the workshop delivery
went, and things I could have done to change the outcome of the workshop. So
lets begin.
When most people hear the word conflict in relationships, they get an uneasy
feeling; that feeling of anger, stress, or negativity because something is
obviously wrong. Although we tend to think of conflict in a negative
way, it can actually provide many benefits to the relationship. First,
“conflict provides opportunities for us to grow as individuals and to
strengthen our relationships by enlarging partners’ understanding of each
other”(p.244). What might start out as a discussion of a certain issue, usually
winds up providing more information about about the other person. Discussion of
issue allow partners to understand meanings they attach to particular
behaviors. This is very important in a relationship due to the fact that both
can have different interpretations to the same issues. The second benefit to
relationships is, “conflict allows us to consider points of view different from
our”(p. 244). Your partner may see something completely different from what you
do, based on past experiences that they have had. Talking out the issue may
open your eyes up to see something you may have never thought about before and
could possibly change your own view on things. The third benefit to conflict is
that it, “deepens our insight into our ideas and feelings when we express
them and get responses from them”(p. 244). We are not only working on
understanding each other better, but working on getting in touch with your own
feelings as well. Being able to express these to another person and getting
responses allows more of an understanding on our feelings.
A target audience is a specific group of people who a specific message or
lesson is aimed towards. For my workshop, I chose my target audience as young
adults ranging from their early to mid-twenties. I specifically chose this
group because I believe our generation has a different upbringing. When things
are broken we tend to let them go instead of taking the time to work on it.
This can be said about our relationships. In school we are taught math,
reading, and writing, but never is there an opportunity to learn how to manage
conflict. If you think back to how you learned to manage conflict, for most
people this is by the scripts we learn from our families. Children take what
you they have seen their parents or guardians using since you were little, and
apply that in your future relationships. Some of us were taught that conflict
is bad and should be avoided, while others were taught to handle conflict in a
constructive manner. Due to conflict being inevitable in relationships, the
best way to handle it is to understand and develop constructive ways to deal
with it in your life. This is what led me to choose my target audience; because
of the many benefits I could see it influencing our future. Let’s now start by
introducing interpersonal conflict.
According to Julia Woods, in Interpersonal Communication, interpersonal
conflict “exists when people who depend on each other express different views,
interests, or goal that they perceive as incompatible or opposed”(p242). Each
part of this definition is very crucial to understanding interpersonal conflict
because without one another the conflict may not be so. The author breaks down
interpersonal conflict into four characteristics, which I will go into a more
detail a little bit later. Before breaking down each dependent element of
interpersonal conflict, we must first recognize conflict in itself. Conflict
only exists if disagreements or tensions are expressed in some way. If either
one of the conflicting parties do not recognize a disagreement or anger, either
directing or indirectly, then is it not necessarily a conflict but rather just
differences between the two. To get a better understanding of interpersonal
conflict let’s start by breaking down the characteristics of it.
The
four characteristics of interpersonal conflict all depend on each another for
it to occur. The first characteristic of interpersonal conflict is that the
conflicting parties are interdependent, meaning that they depend on one
another. Conflict does not just arise because you have differences with one
another. We of course have differences with a lot of people in our lives that
does not necessarily lead to conflict, but because we are dependent on one
another it creates a conflict. The second characteristic is that they have the
perception that they seek incompatible goals or outcomes or favor in-compatible
means to the same end. This means that the way they handle things or what they
want is different. The third characteristic is that perceived incompatibility
has the potential to adversely affect the relationship leaving emotional
residues not addressed. No one likes to have their arguments prolonged to the
point that it is ruining the relationship. The final characteristic is that
there is a sense of urgency about the need to resolve the difference. In conclusion,
because there are incompatibility issues that occur between partners, who care
and do not want to ruin their relationship, they would like to find a way to
resolve their issues in a quick amount of time.
One important thing to remember about conflict in your relationships is
that the best way to handle it is overtly, meaning confronting your problems
directly in a straightforward manner. Even though this may be true there are
still many people who would rather handle it covertly, meaning doing it
indirectly like playing games. We have to be able to understand that by
disguising or hiding the conflict it is almost impossible to recognize and
resolve. Depending on how you handle the issue, conflict can either promote
closeness or tear apart your relationship. Now that we learned about what
interpersonal conflict is lets dive into ways to be able to confront your
partner when an issue does arise.
As all of you know, and may have experienced in your relationship at one time
or another, it is very easy for an argument to go from moderate to extreme in a
matter of minutes. It can be because of something that you say or do that can
set him/her off. The six confrontation steps, as laid out in Managing
Conflict through Communication, by Ruth Ann Abigail and Dudley D. Cahn,
gives a structure to move through the process of confronting another about what
is upsetting you. I will explain each step into detail, but first we must
understand what confrontation is. Confrontation is, “a conflict process in
which the parties call attention to problems or issues and express their
feelings, beliefs, and wants to one another”(p35). These confrontation steps
may not be specifically used for every issue that you run into in your
relationship but do provide structure for when more complex issues to come
about.
The
first step in the six confrontation steps is preparation. Preparation is the
longest and most important step out of all of them because this is where you
take time for yourself in which you identify the issue at hand. A way
that you can do this is through self-talk. That is verbalizing either to
yourself or out loud what you are feeling. Self-talk can be productive, but
sometimes you may also have it lead to a not so good outcome. The best way to
think about the situation is in terms of who, what, where, when, and how. This
breaks down the situation into smaller pieces so that you may get a better
understanding of all sides of the issue. You want to think, “ what is the
problem, how is it affecting me and my relationship, and how I feel about it.”
When doing this it is also important that you think about the other side of the
situation as well, which I will go into more detail about later. A large number
of times this is not included in other peoples self talk, but should be so that
you can fully understand the situation. As mentioned in the beginning, conflict
is never good to be left unsaid. This can do damage to the relationship and to
yourself when your needs or wants are not met. Once you figure out how you feel
about the situation, make a goal and stick with it. Try to think positive to
yourself so that you can lead to a more productive conversation with the other
person. Now that we have prepared ourselves for the situation, lets move on to how
we will address the other person
The
second step in the process is telling the other person, “we need to talk”. This
seems pretty basic to most people, but approaching the situation in the correct
way is important. This is similar to an invitation or a reservation, allowing
time to sit down, just the two of you with no distractions, and talk about what
is going on. It is always a good idea to let the person know what you would
like to talk about and their schedule. It may not be as productive to talk with
someone after a long day at work or when others are around. Planning for a time
and place that works for both partners schedule is ideal. Usually after you
approach someone that you would like to talk it is best to do it within 24
hours. Making it longer than that drags out the situation with each one of you.
A great example of what you might say would be, “I want us to talk about what
happened last night. I know that you are really busy right now but do you think
we could talk tomorrow after you get out of class? No one will be home so it
will just me and you”. This statement addresses the other person that you would
like to talk, what it is about, and a time and place to do so. Now that we have
the approach down lets actually get into the issue.
The
third step in conflict is having the conversation about the problem. This is
the explanation of your needs, problems, or issues to your partner. In this
stage assertiveness is very important because you are calling attention to how
you are feeling or what is going on. Stating your own point of view in terms of
your needs, wants, interests, and concerns, but also finding a ground on which
you both agree. “I statements” can be beneficial to use in this stage
because one is taking responsibility of their feelings. I statements “ consists
of a description of how you feel, an indication of the conditions under which
you feel that way, and why those conditions cause your emotion”. When a person
is expressing their frustrations towards someone else it is very common that
they blame someone else for the way they are feeling. Instead of telling the
other person how you feel, people tend to blame them for it. The other person
can start to feel very overwhelmed by constant pointing of the finger. An
example of what an I statement goes like this… “I feel…When you…because…” Each
part of the statement is taking responsibility for the way you are feeling and
will take away putting the blame on someone else.
The
forth step in this process is to consider your partners point of view. This is
vital to consider someone else’s point of view because if you want them to
change something that they are doing you first need to think about how you
would feel if they asked you to do the same. Is it reasonable? Or would you
want to do it? Empathy plays a huge role into considering someone else’s
feelings because it is a “tendency to consider another’s belief and feelings,
which allows people to better judge appropriateness…”. In the previous step it
was important to express your own feelings and thoughts, but now you have
to take into account that your partners feelings are as important as your own.
When responding to another’s feelings there are things that you can do to
assure that you are listening and aligning. Some things you can do include
rephrasing, asking the other person what he/she meant, provide a reason for a
statement and see how they respond, and using an unfinished question and have
the person fill it. When listening it is important that you are sensitive and
not putting someone else’s feelings down. How someone feels is how they feel
and not acknowledging that is going to turn them away from wanting to express
other issues that they have with you, making a strain in the relationship. It
is also important to not respond to someone by saying “I know how you feel”.
This doesn’t show that you are truly listening and that their concern is
nothing different. You have to acknowledge, align, and assure your partner that
you understand how they are feeling. Once you have a better understanding it
can lead to a solution, which brings us to the fifth step.
This
last step determines whether or not the agreement is being carried out. It is
not just important to make an agreement, but that each person is following
through with what they said they were going to do. Setting a time to
reevaluation of the arrangement allows you to take a look at the progress you
either made or didn’t make. If you didn’t make the progress you both should
figure out what you can do to change what you previously agreed on or if you
did make progress reward yourself for the progress you made. Throughout life
you are going to go through a fare share of struggles but determining the
proper ways to work through them will make your relationship only get better.
Conflicts in relationships are just one of the many obstacles that life
will throw at you. There is going always going to be a problem that needs some
fixing or assistance to get through. Being able to break down conflict in
itself and steps to help guide you through it will make the journey in your
relationship more powerful and productive than ever before.
Reference Page
1. Abigail, Ruth Anna. Dudley,
D. Cahn. (2011) . Manging Conflict through Communication, Fourth Edition. Boston,
MA: Pearson
2. Woods, T. Julia. (2007). Interpersonal
Communication; Everyday encounters.
Belmont,
CA.
3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr3BLxtY88c&feature=youtu.be